Choosing Love – One Mom’s Story
By Liz
Nick is my first born, and when I held him in my arms for the first time I discovered a love inside of me that was stronger, gentler and more fragile than I could have ever imagined. He has always been a good son. His love for life is contagious. His relationships with family and friends are his highest priority. He has a persevering spirit and a positive attitude. He is a lover of God and others. Over the years he has brought a ton of joy and energy into the life of our family. I not only love him dearly but I like the person he is. He is a bright light.
About 2 ½ years ago, at the beginning of his second year of college, my son, Nick, told me he was gay and that he didn‘t believe same sex relationships were sinful. I am embarrassed and ashamed to say that I reacted horribly. I attacked his character, threatened to sever my relationship with him, and told him I didn’t want anyone to know. I made him feel ashamed, unloved and rejected. I said things and acted in ways a loving mother never should and I will deeply regret it for the rest of my life. The only thing that I regret more is that I was not a safe person for Nick to come to when he was growing up and realized he was gay. It breaks my heart every time I think about Nick having to deal with that all alone when he was growing up.
You will probably be surprised to hear that today Nick and I have a wonderful relationship. How did it happen? Well, it is hard to tell that part of the story because it wasn’t linear. I was a mess for a long time. I cried myself to sleep many nights and some mornings I would begin to shed tears before I was fully awake. I was angry at Nick, at God and especially at myself. I felt alone, confused and afraid – and Nick was having a similar experience. We didn’t have a plan and I can’t remember the order of how everything happened but I will attempt to tell you some of the things I believe helped us move in the right direction.
One thing that helped the process along was that Nick continued to fight for the relationship. Even when he was angry and hurt he always said he wanted a relationship with me and our family. He wasn’t always kind and loving, he made mistakes just like we all did, but he never gave up. One day I was reading a comment on a blog that a homosexual had written to someone saying he didn’t want to be friends with people who thought it was sinful for him to have same sex relationships because he was tired of being treated like he was “less than other people” and “a second rate citizen”… and it struck me that if I was in his shoes I would probably feel the same way. I realized it took a lot of love and grace for Nick to want to keep having a relationship with me, knowing I disapproved of what he was doing and of what he believed. I wasn’t just disagreeing with him, I was judging him, and he knew I had declared him guilty – yet, he still wanted to be in relationship with me. That was a real turning point for me. Up until then I had thought if I was to continue having a relationship with Nick I would be the one showing him a lot of grace but that day I realized Nick was much more filled with grace and love than I was. Within a day or two I found an opportunity to let him know I recognized how much grace and love he was showing me and how much I appreciated it. I told him I was not only thankful, but I was, as his mom, proud of him.
Another thing that helped was that I kept hearing the same message over and over again: “love Nick and focus on having a good relationship with him“. Very early on I remember sitting in church on a Sunday morning and thinking about what it would mean for me to love Nick in the way Jesus loved me. I sensed that the answer I was getting from God about our situation was to simply “love Nick“. I even remember thinking that I was being given an opportunity to choose to put into practice the things God had been teaching me about love. In addition, the few people that my husband and I confided in echoed the same message. Our pastor and his wife, a small group of Christians that we had been meeting with on a regular basis, a few close friends all emphasized that our priority should be to demonstrate our unconditional love to Nick and work on having a good relationship with him. I want to be clear that I don’t believe we were just lucky or even that God was orchestrating everything. We were very intentional about seeking counsel and support from people that we believed demonstrated Christ-like love in their lives. I believe that we could have just as easily found people who would have focused on condemning Nick.
Something else that made a big difference was the fact that around the same time all of this happened I had begun to enter the emergent conversation. Not only did this give me a place where I could work through my doubts and anger towards God, but it also gave me an opportunity to hear other sincere followers of Jesus Christ giving voice to a variety of opinions on the issue of same sex relationships. I listened and read what they believed and how they believed one should respond. However, I think the conversation was most helpful in teaching me to embrace a chastened epistemology, and out of that some much needed humility was born in me. It was because of that humility that I was able to go to Nick and confess that I knew there was a possibility my beliefs were wrong. It was that humility that gave me the courage to ask his forgiveness for acting like I had a monopoly on “the truth” and for being so certain I was right and he was wrong. This attitude began to open up a safe space for Nick and I to genuinely connect again, to have real conversations instead of wrestling matches, to share our thought processes and feelings, and to really hear what the other person was saying. It seemed that when we stopped trying to convince one another we were right it became evident to us how much we loved one another…and in the end it was love that stopped all the negative and hurtful things from continuing.
I also spent a lot of time studying scripture. I studied the passages that spoke about homosexuality, the original language of the verses, the historical context, and paid attention to who was speaking to whom. I tried to approach the scriptures without any preconceived ideas, but I confess I did think I would find evidence to support my beliefs. Surprisingly, I didn’t. Today I don’t believe that there is enough evidence in scripture to condemn a loving, monogamous same sex relationship and without that evidence I believe it would be unjust for me to declare it to be wrong. However, I want you to know that Nick and I were able to have a healthy, loving, happy relationship before I came to that conclusion. I think that was possible because we both made our love, respect and consideration for each other the number one priority. I also want to make it clear that although I didn’t find scripture to be helpful in specifically addressing same sex relationships I found it to be most helpful in knowing the heart of God – and it was the heart of God that led me back into a loving relationship with my son.
I share my story for three reasons.
One reason is to warn that my initial reaction could have had a devastating result causing me to lose my son forever. Nick could have decided he didn’t want to have anything to do with me or, worse, he may have been driven to harm himself. Many young people have attempted to take their own life when rejected by a parent because of their sexual orientation – some have sadly succeeded. So, if you are a parent and reading this I urge you to put your relationship with your child and your love for your child above everything else. DO NOT RISK LOSING YOUR CHILD FOREVER.
I also share this story to give hope and encouragement to anyone who has been deeply hurt or rejected by someone. Please know that there is still hope. If I could change, anybody can. However, even if that person never changes, I believe with all of my heart that God will provide you with people who will love, accept and support you. Your life is a gift – treasure it, nurture it, live it.
And finally, I am sharing my story because I believe that this is about so much more than who is right and who is wrong. I believe that this issue places all of us at a crossroads – in one direction is a road paved with hate and it leads to death – in the other direction is a road paved with love and it leads to life. Whoever you are, whatever you believe, I hope and pray that my story encourages you to choose love.
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My name is Liz and I am a follower of Jesus Christ who lives in Texas (Dallas/Fort Worth area).
I am married and have two sons. I enjoy reading, blogging, listening to music, going to movies, the emergent conversation and hanging out with friends and family. I recently started a blog called Grace Rules (http://gracerules.wordpress.com/ ). I named my blog Grace Rules because although I have a history of letting things like rules, regulations, law, convictions, and stuff like that rule my life, I am determined to become a woman who is ruled by grace and love.
mojojules
April 13, 2009
Thank you for sharing your story. I have been “out” in sorts for awhile. However, because of circumstances, have not come out to my parents. The days of that being ok are becoming short. I wrestle with it all the time. You just get so tired of “playing the game.” Although my story is complex (as it feels to any individual) I’m waiting for the moment to finally shed the full truth to them. Reading your story brought tears to my eyes and a hope for the future. Thank you!
queermergent
April 13, 2009
mojojules,
Thanks for sharing your stuggle and i pray for you and the right time. Also, i pray you are covered in G-D’s love no matter what the reaction of your parents turns out to be.
i just turned 40 a few weeks ago and just came out to my mom last fall. She is a very religious fundamentalist who volunteers with an ex-gay ministry where she lives. She sees being gay as a sin but said she loves me. It’s hard because she never acknowledges my partner in emails. i am unsure that she really does love me and i struggle with it a lot. Yet, i have moved on in many ways and am at peace where i am at with myself. Self-acceptance is the key and knowing G-D embraces and loves us is key as well. We always want our parents to love and accept us. Some are able to do so like Liz, and some are not. We have to give them that freedom even if it hurts like hell.
i wish you well!
Warmest Regards,
Adele
Liz
April 13, 2009
mojojules,
Thank you for taking the time to read my story. I am glad that it was meaningful to you.
I am so sorry that you have not been able to open up to your parents. I can only imagine how much anxiety that must cause you. I will keep you and your parents in my prayers. I hope with everything in me that it goes well when you decide to talk to your parents.
Much love and hope sent your way,
Liz
IMR
April 13, 2009
Liz,
Thank you for sharing your touching and powerful story. What an encouragement!
I have been on this blog a few times and have noted my uncertainty about what Scripture says concerning homosexuality. I am leaning toward the position that Scripture doesn’t speak about homosexuality (only pederasty and unwholesome, idolatrous orgies) and thus, it isn’t a sin.
However, I have been wondering lately…some of my homosexual friends I know have openly voiced their choice to be gay has been because of their disdain for the opposite sex. I am writing this looking for anyone’s opinion on the subject: is this right? Do you think “choosing” to be gay because “there are no good men or women out there” is moral or right? I understand that some are biologically gay and that is not what I am speaking about. I know this is a complex situation and much of this is a “matter of the heart” but I would love to hear anyone’s opinion who is willing to share. Thank you.
Grace, Mercy and Peace,
Ian
gracerules
April 13, 2009
Ian, I am glad that you found my story encouraging. Thanks for reading and commenting.
Having no knowledge or experience with someone “choosing” to be gay I can’t say that I have ever really thought about that – so I am sorry to say that I cannot really be of any help.
Jules
April 14, 2009
Ian:
I can honestly say in all my years of being around and in the LGBT community have heard such a thing. I’m not entirely sure how to respond either. Only this, as someone who was married prior to coming out I’m not sure why they would do that.
Adele and Liz;
Thank you! 🙂
queermergent
April 14, 2009
Ian,
Like Liz and mojojules,
i know of none who choose to be lesbian, gay, bi, transgender, queer, et al, so i have no answer for you. i do believe sexuality can be fluid and adhere to the Kinsey scale of sexuality where some are all out heterosexual, some are all out LGBTQ, and others fall somewhere in between.
i do know of lesbians who hate men and do not want to be around even gay men. i know of gay men who hate women and do not want to be around women, including lesbians. i think these are issues that can be explored here at Queermergent. There is even separation racially within the LGBTQ community. It is sad, but being part of the LGBTQ community does not make us immune to being part of the human race and all its trappings, pain and ‘sin’.
Not sure if this helps or not but it’s really all i have to give you.
Warmest Regards,
Adele
queermergent
April 14, 2009
Jules,
You are more than welcome. Let me know if you need any more prayer or other support. G-D speed!
Adele
IMR
April 14, 2009
Everyone,
Thanks for your input. Yes, a good friend of mine (not a Christ follower) told me she decided to become a lesbian because she had been burned by too many males and said she could not find any good ones. I guess it is something we can all think and pray about. Thanks again!
Ian
Jules
April 14, 2009
Hey Ian!
Your welcome! I will pray for your friend. I don’t want to sound negative, but to think becoming a lesbian would be any easier is a stretch. It, just like the “straight world”, can be a mess to date in as well. I’ve had many “disasters”.
Adele:
Thank you for the support and prayers. As I offer my door to you. Coming out to parents that are very closed minded is a hard thing. As I said, there are some complex parts to it. I’ve been wading through them all. I think because I have finally found myself in a stable relationship and one I don’t want to hide makes it even more pressing. Although I know it won’t be tomorrow or maybe a month from now, I do know that my spirit is telling me the time is approaching.
Blessings!
queermergent
April 14, 2009
Ian,
You are welcome. i agree with Jules that dating in the queer scene is no easier than when i dated opposite sex. There is drama to be had EVERYWHERE! 😉
Jules,
You will know the right time and be blessed when that time comes! It will feel like a ton of bricks has lifted off of you. At least it did for me. Remember, it is more for you than it is for your parents. You can’t change them but it is a release for you to be able to express all of who you are!
Warmest Regards to the both of you! Thanks for the great conversation!
Adele
Liz
April 14, 2009
Adele,
I just want to tell you again how much I respect and admire what you are doing here at Queermergent. Your responses to commenters are always so loving and encouraging without lacking any honesty. I know it sounds cliche, but I really do see Jesus in you.
From a straight person who aches because of all the hate that the LGBTQ community has to endure I appreciate this haven you are creating.
queermergent
April 14, 2009
Liz,
Reading your encouraging response brought tears to my eyes and reminds me that even with all the shit detractors throw at me, it is so damn worth it! Thank you for your love and support. CAN’T wait to finally meet you and give you a HUGE hug!
Sometimes when i get into it on Emergent Village with detractors i react out of hurt and am not always generous. Sometimes i do feel like a hypocrite. Yet, i need to remember i am human and just try better the next time. It’s hard when people are so ungenerous to me and my community. i get a righteous indignation. G-D, help temper me and heal me of my wounds.
Much love and respect,
Adele
Aideen
April 14, 2009
This is a great post!! My mum’s pretty accepting but not entirely comfortable with the issue. I wish she would become as vocal as you are!
queermergent
April 14, 2009
Aideen,
Maybe you can share Liz’s story with her. Maybe she won’t feel all alone then?
Warm Regards,
Adele
gracerules
April 14, 2009
Aideen, Glad you enjoyed the post. I have only recently started to become vocal. Seeing other Christians speak out gave me the encouragement I needed to take the step. I really do believe there are a lot of Christians who don’t believe homosexuality is wrong or at least aren’t sure, but they are afraid to say anything.
queermergent
April 14, 2009
Liz and Aideen,
We in the LGBTQ community need our straight allies to come out of their own proverbial closets and come out in support of us! Harvey Milk told queers to come out but i am taking that further and beseeching our straight allies to come out too! As a minority group we need all the help we can get!
Peace and blessings,
Adele
gracerules
April 15, 2009
Adele,
Recently Rachel over at the Sweet Bi and Bi blog (I see you have her on your blogroll) had a post called “The A Team”. She was talking about adding an “A” in GLBTQ to stand for heterosexual/straight ally. She was also asking for allies to come out and speak out. You can find her post here: http://sweetbiandbi.wordpress.com/2009/03/28/the-a-team/
queermergent
April 15, 2009
Liz,
i saw her post and LOVED it and even Twittered about it! May ask her to repost it here!
Adele
Rachel
April 15, 2009
Hey all, ALL on this thread:
Just can’t believe how loving and really open and respectful the dialog is here. Adele, I know of the shit-detractors you speak of, and am just so grateful for all of the honest and open questions and conversation here.
Ian, I will add your friend to my prayers. Being queer, identifying as a bi-sexual person, I actually have heard things like “turning” gay or lesbian. I don’t believe it is true. What I find so disheartening about it is that typically (and in your friends case) it is in reaction to abuse in some form. Well, in love and relationships, the grass is NEVER greener. Adele mentioned the Kinsey scale, and what I understand is that while some (emphasis on some) people are firmly gay or lesbian, some (again emphasis on some) are straight. The rest fall somewhere in the bell curve.
In my early coming out years I declared I was a lesbian at least half a dozen times. I always rescinded my position. I am firmly, beautifully, wonderfully fully bisexual. For all of my hurts (and I have many), and all of the love I have to give and receive. I hope that your friend, Ian, can come to grips with herself, and instead of react, really listen, explore and go in search of who she is.
Bless you for your love for her.
Rachel
April 15, 2009
whoops, only meant to bold the word have. *sigh* So tech-dumb.
gracerules
April 15, 2009
Rachel, Thank you for sharing your experience and knowledge – I think it should be very helpful.
queermergent
April 16, 2009
Rachel,
i am so glad for the open and honest discussions on here as well! Thanks for being a part of that! 🙂
Adele
Jules
April 16, 2009
Its funny y’all talk about that Emergent Village and detractors there. I have never been there and posted. However, been involved at theOOZE and it has been unfortunate to see the turn over the last several years of those who come from a very conservative perspective and spew a lot of uneducated (nice way to say it) words. Right now there is someone on there that has been heavily involved with ex-gay ministry. I hear their hurt and anger. I also hear their “clinging” that they have to get this “demon” out of them. Makes me sad. I wanted to offer them this place, but I knew they weren’t open for it and too hurt. And by far, has bought into that we (LGBT) are sinners and possessed with demons. I’ve been praying for them ever since our interaction.
You would think at these two places would be more of an open place for th LGBT community. It is sad they are not. I know at least for TheOOZE it has always been a place of more “radical” thinking then one that would seem to attract those with very traditional and conservative thinking.
queermergent
April 16, 2009
Jules,
i posted a piec called SEX-Crazed’ and got many fundies posting comments. i was REALLY surprised because the Ooze is a progressive, emergent, questioning kind of space. These people feel the need to ‘defend’ G-D and the Bible and see it as there mission. i wish they would go away as we must agree to disagree. They are NOT open to true dialogue and conversation. That’s why i have the commenting policy here. Peopel in our community have been lambasted far too long and need the space to feel safe to come out of their shells and talk if they want to do so.
Adele
Jules
April 17, 2009
Adele-
I did not see that. I’m sorry that happened. TheOOZE had always been a special place for me. Sadly it doesn’t surprise me. As you and I have said it has been more of the progressive places. Its been in the past 3 years that its accelerated.
Anyway, all that to say, again, it is very nice to have this place. 🙂
Jules!
Peter J. Walker - EmergingChristian.com
July 9, 2009
Liz, a truly lovely post. I know this comment is quite late in coming. Adele, thanks for reminding me of it – just had to come back and re-read. It’s very heartening. Jules, I remember you from theOOZE! Sad, I haven’t spent much time there in years, either. I too am thankful for spaces like the one Adele has created here.
Blessings.
Peter
Jules
July 10, 2009
Peter-
Really? Wow. I don’t remember your name, what was it at theOOZE? I apologize for not remembering, I mostly remember by avatar or their “nic” there. Glad to have found a fellow oozer here though. Its kind of like a homecoming type deal.
Blessings Peter!!!
Jules
queermergent
July 11, 2009
Jules,
Peter is a great friend of mine and a great ally! Check out his blog as he is a fantastic writer and will have a post up here at Queermergent soon!
Adele
Jules
July 14, 2009
Cool, I will look forward to it. 🙂 I was just surprised to hear he remembered from the oozian land. LOL