Bi The Way
BY Rachel McAdams
“I’m glad you aren’t gay anymore. I like you better straight.”
I wish I could say this was something I never heard. I heard it once when I was 17. I heard it again when I was 21. I heard it when I was 24. I’m pretty sure I have friends RIGHT NOW who have said or thought something similar.
“You’re so much more fun now that you aren’t a breeder anymore.”
Thought you’d get away with being the accepting ones? Oh no. I heard this when I was 18, 22 and 25. I’m sure with my next girlfriend, I’ll hear it again.
With every new lover, a host of friends were lost for me growing up (and still are). If I was dating a man, the LGBT community felt I didn’t need them anymore, while with every girlfriend, the straight community thought I was rejecting myself and in rebellion.
I believe in marriage, monogamy, the everlasting love of my Creator, my wonderful country and chocolate. I have loved women. I have loved men. I never stop loving God. I also love cheesecake.
I’m attracted to tall, older handsome men. I’m also attracted to curvy, blonde beautiful women. To add to that, I’m also attracted to anyone that will cook me a good dinner and watch a movie snuggled on the couch with me.
I’m at a point in my life, where I just don’t talk about one when I’m dating the other. I’m straight when I’m with a man. I’m gay when I’m with a woman. I’m Rachel all the times in between.
If you are gay or straight, and have been lucky enough to be attracted to one particular sex your entire life, please understand the following:
I’m not confused.
I’m not going through a phase, although most days, I wish I was.
I can very easily ‘make up my mind.’
I’m not selfish.
I’m not trying to have my cake and eat it to. (pun intended… it always was when it was said to me)
I’m not polyamorous, or a polygamous, or poly-anything else.
I’m not afraid of my gayness.
I’m not a slut.
I will not sleep with ‘just anyone.’
I did not choose to be bisexual.
I don’t sleep with women to get men.
Now that we have that cleared up. I’m just like you. Sometimes I’m awkward and clumsy. Sometimes I have the world on my shoulders. Sometimes I love too much, and most days, I don’t love enough. I screw up and sometimes, everything works out perfect.
Sometimes I yell at God, and other times, I’m comfortable in His embrace.
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I’m 27-year-old ex-military, newspaper-loving college journalism student trying to understand God, love and people. I suck pretty hardcore at all of it. I love photography, writing, art, espresso and talking theology to strangers.
Rachel
December 14, 2010
Hooray for another FABULOUS bi-voice. And a Rachel too? Too awesome. Well stated. Well done.
Gabe
December 14, 2010
Are you implying that those of us who are polyamorous should be othered, while bisexual, gay and lesbian folks are brought into the “just like you” fold? While I’m certainly not looking to present myself as “just like” anyone, particularly not a sick society, the emotional impact here seems like you’re saying “Hey, at least I’m not like this guy, so I must be okay!”
gubeltrut
December 14, 2010
Thank you my beautiful friend!
Glad you enjoyed it.
Brian Gerald
December 14, 2010
Love the list of things folks need to understand about us multi-gender loving folks! And this whole post is beautifully written, to boot!
gubeltrut
December 14, 2010
No… definitely not. It’s just a stereotype that I’ve personally received. I’m, personally, NOT polyamorous, although I definitely have friends that are. It would be like someone calling a gay person straight. It isn’t implying straight is bad, just that it isn’t the same as being gay. Sometimes I think the straight community (ooops. There’s a stereotype RIGHT there.) likes to lump all queer/alternative lifestyles into one. It isn’t right. There’s a difference between polyamorous, bisexual, gay, questioning, transgender, etc. They aren’t the same. Just because I’m with a man, doesn’t mean I fit in the straight box. Just because I’m with a woman doesn’t mean I fit in the gay box. There are a dozen boxes in between. I don’t like any of them.
Gabe
December 14, 2010
Okay, cool. I can dig that. (And I can sympathize with the assumptions. I often run into folks who say “I’m bi, so of course I’m polyamorous,” and frankly, it drives me batty. They are two very different issues that have little to do with one another. I mean, my partner is bi, but very much mono.) Thanks for the clarification. It was difficult for me to get from the context provided. (And, admittedly, I may be a little overly sensitive.)
Brian Gerald
December 14, 2010
Gabe, thanks so much for adding that perspective. After I left my comment, I thought “You know, I really should have said something about…” The dominant voice in the gay/lgbt Christian conversation does seem to say “Hey, I’m just like you!” What about those of use who aren’t monogamous or aren’t coupled? What about those of us who don’t believe in a male god? What about those of us who reject American militarism as violent and oppressive?
I understand that in many ways, I *am* just like my straight peers. Lots of my straight friends are trapped by the same systems of oppression that I am: gender policing, shame around our bodies and our sexualities, a culture of silence. But I’m not like what the status quo would have us all be. And ss Christians who have been othered, we have an opportunity to tear down all the walls that keep us–and others!–out and point out that they were messed up to begin with.
dawn
December 14, 2010
Love the way you voice yourself, though I’d suggest that maybe you’re Rachel ALL the time and not just “all the times in between.” Why section yourself up as straight or gay based on the relationship you’re in at the moment, except for the convenience of others trying to make sense of you? You’re always more than those two divisions, are you not? Embrace your complexity and transcendence of binaries! Seems you already do, really, except for this particular way of stating it
gubeltrut
December 14, 2010
I am definitely Rachel all the times in between, but those stereotypes make it really difficult to explain myself to my lesbian ex-girlfriend or straight ex-boyfriend. Sometimes (and I’m NOT saying this is the right way to deal with it) it’s just easier to be straight or gay or not brooch the subject at all.
Rachel is working on this.
Dawn
December 16, 2010
Gotcha. Sometimes we have to speak within the limits of others’ language/understanding. I totally get that
robert
January 14, 2011
You are a beautiful person. When you wrote your words it felt as if you were writing my words for me. There is nothing that you satated I would disagree with. You handled the introduction of a bisexual person quite well. To you, thanks for being yourself.
Rachel
January 14, 2011
Thank you so much for your kind words, Robert.
Harley
January 18, 2011
Wonderful words! Glad to hear a voice from this area of LGBT community. Thank you for sharing!